I found myself on the floor of a public bathroom stall, unable to speak or move. For years I was told my suffering was a “normal” part of being a mom. Being taken to the emergency room by ambulance finally alerted the medical community that something was actually wrong. There was something more to my story. It wasn’t just the empty complaints of which I had been accused. Lying in a hospital bed I couldn’t help but think of the injustice of it all. We need to reevaluate the status quo of help for moms.
After a year (or more) of testing and investigation I learned of my chronic illness. I was relieved and outraged at the same time. It was so great to finally have answers, but so much about the process was just not okay. My chronic illness was swept under the rug as “normal” mom suffering for years. How do other moms feel for that to be considered “normal?” How is it possible to consider suffering to be “normal” even if it is common? When moms call for help, why are the first assumptions of weakness and unfounded complaints? Why are debilitating symptoms considered normal in this community? In any other community, they would be addressed.
I vowed to get better, to heal, for myself and my family. It worked. I healed, and there is more.
Now more than ever, I am determined to provide help for moms in need. I don’t mean just moms with chronic illnesses, but struggling moms in general.
I’m an enneagram 5 investigator so research is my thing. My PhD focus has poured into maternal and family wellbeing, the physical and mental health of mothers, children, and families, and child development. To summarize and synthesize years of research and countless (thousands) of journal articles and studies, lack of help for moms is bad for everyone. When moms struggle and don’t get the help they need it negatively impacts the whole family, and society.
Some of what I discovered during the research phase made me so, so sad, and motivated me for change.
First, it was really hard to find the information I wanted in English. There were studies of the topic of maternal support as it relates to maternal wellbeing and child development in other languages. This told me it was an important topic to research. I couldn’t find nearly as much information in English, or similar studies conducted in the United States. Right or wrong, this made me feel as if our culture does not value the topic as much as it is valued in other cultures. This is a topic that I value. I will continue to value this topic and those struggling with the problem even if I am alone in the fight. However, I believe there are many more with me, somewhat hidden from view.
I found myself on the floor of a public bathroom stall unable to speak or move. This was after years of being told my suffering was a “normal” part of being a mom. Being taken to the emergency room by ambulance finally alerted the medical community that something was actually wrong.
Second, when I did find some research in English, it seemed as though it failed to gain momentum. Some important findings identified a bigger problem, and then the research stopped without any real solutions to the problem. There is a question we must ask ourselves: why? When I answered this question for myself, again, it came back to a feeling that it is not a topic valued enough in our culture to keep working until we reach a solution. It’s important to me. I am dedicated to trying until a solution is readily available.
There was something more to my story. I had been falsely accused of empty complaints. Lying in a hospital bed I couldn’t help but think of the injustice of it all. We need to reevaluate the status quo of help for moms.
Third, I found research that recognized the problem, valued it, and then considered the solution in terms of child wellbeing alone while disregarding maternal wellbeing. This is horrendously upsetting for mothers in need. It is a missed opportunity and failed attempt to benefit children in need. Let’s go back to the primary theme in the collective research: when mothers struggle, the entire family struggles. How can children possibly thrive when the needs of their mothers are not being met? I have vowed to work for a solution to this problem, for the benefit of mothers, children, the entire family, and society as a whole.
I want to be very clear, so no readers get the wrong idea. Researchers have done the best they could with the information and resources available to them. It took a lot of digging and compiling of many different areas of research for me to identify and understand the themes presented here. I am in no way accusing previous researcher of falling short. They have all done great work. It is now time to further build from the foundation they have provided to get real help for mothers.
Here are some crucial themes I have discovered through research of the topic of help for moms:
- Too many mothers sacrifice their own health, happiness, wellbeing, and sense of purpose for what they feel they need to do or what they hope will benefit their kids and families.
- Mothers feel they must choose between their health/happiness/wellbeing/life purpose and being fully present with their kids and families.
- When mothers put their all into their kids and families while sacrificing themselves, they suffer physically, mentally, and emotionally.
- If mothers struggle the whole family struggles, which can include physical, mental, and emotional health, child development, relationships, and overall wellbeing.
- When mothers make a list of their top needs, they often find that many (or all) of them are not being met.
- When mothers make a list of their top priorities, they often feel overwhelmed, as if they are falling short in many (or all) of those areas.
Reality check: it’s possible to have all our top needs met and to be able to focus on our priorities. I’m living proof of that.
I’ll share a personal example. Two of my top priorities are to have a meaningful career that I enjoy and to spend lots of quality time with husband and my kids. As I sit here typing this, I reflect on how these priorities have come together over the years. I think so fondly of the times I worked with sleeping babies on my lap, the way my motherhood experiences have enriched my ability to serve my clients, and how my career has inspired my daughter to write a book with me.
No, I’m not saying it’s a total walk in the park. I’m saying there are ways to do more of what you love, more of what’s most important to you, and still have time and energy for the second and third most important things on your list. My life certainly isn’t perfect, but it sure is wonderful, and I am fulfilling all my top priorities and meeting my top needs. I’m here to help you fulfill your top priorities and meet your top needs, too.
In all honesty, it hasn’t always been like this.
I have struggled and sacrificed and played the trial and error game for a long time to come up with things that work for me. It’s continually evolving. While we all go through rough times and have good days and bad days, I’m finding that my general trend is improvement. I’m finding that most of my days are good or really good with a few less good here and there, plus the very occasional bad day. It’s not perfection in the traditional sense, but the imperfections make it perfect in a different sense. I’m here to normalize help for moms so that maternal suffering is no longer considered “normal” as it becomes less and less common.
There are ways to get around the status quo of being unwell or unhappy with one sacrifice or another. I have found the secrets to make it happen with all the most important areas of my life. Those are secret I’m here to shout to the world. I’m ready to help more mothers enjoy the years they deserve to cherish with their kids, while building their dreams and fulfilling their needs.
You don’t have to sacrifice it all to have it all.
In the United States, our society falls short of providing mothers with the support needed for them, their children, and their families to thrive. Therefore, so many in our culture consider it to be “normal” for moms to suffer, because it’s common for moms to bear the burden. Far too many mothers are fighting an uphill battle alone, or without enough support. Help for moms is a scarcity, and that needs to change.
So many messages in society tell moms that we have to be strong and sacrifice for our children and families. Okay, moms are strong and sure there can be some sacrifices, but there are limits. Moms have needs, too, and they must be met for the family to thrive.
Harsh truth: there is nothing heroic about suffering for years for the false claim that it will benefit the family.
Powering through leads to burnout. Burnout leads to symptoms and hardships, both physical and mental. It’s extra hard to parent while dealing with burnout and all the negative things that come with it. How does that impact relationships with partners and kids? It’s not good.
Moms who power through day after day are tired and stressed. Do you know what happens to people who are tired and stressed? They snap at the people closest to them. Those interactions hurt relationships. They are damaging to child development and overall wellbeing.
Related article: Mom Can’t Sleep
What’s the solution? Be the hero and find a way to make sure mom’s {your} needs are met.
When there is enough help for moms everyone thrives. This is because moms can be the best support possible for the rest of the family when their needs are met. The exhaustion and stress go away. Moms can think and function with clear minds. The snapping and yelling no longer show up. Relationships grow, the environment fosters healthy child development, and families thrive together.
Reality check: it is heroic for moms to get their needs met so they can lead their families to thrive.
There’s an added bonus, too. Kids learn from the example of their moms – what is shown, not what is said. Moms have the greatest opportunity to lead kids by example and show them how to live well. When moms prioritize their needs, kids learn how to prioritize their own wellbeing. They learn to make sure their needs are met so they can thrive through childhood and through adulthood.
Parents tend to want good things for their kids. They want them to do well in school, be happy and healthy, have meaningful relationships, and become positive forces in society. All of that starts at home.
I want all moms to have hope, know they can do it, and have a place to turn when they need help. Even more, I want to prevent this immense struggle as much as possible.
Key points about the topic of help for moms:
- Suffering among mothers is referred to as “normal” because it is so common, BUT…
- There is nothing “normal” about suffering, no matter the population.
- Mothers deserve better.
- When mothers struggle it negatively impacts the entire family. This includes physical, mental, and emotional health, child development, relationships, and overall wellbeing.
- It is not necessary for mothers to sacrifice their needs and priorities, even to benefit their kids and families.
- Thriving mothers benefit themselves, their kids, their families, and society.
- It is heroic for mothers to make sure their top needs are met, and their top priorities are fulfilled.
I’m here to change the narrative and to help moms so they can help everyone else. I’m here to make maternal suffering abnormal and make maternal and family thriving normal.
Are you with me? I’m super excited to live a wonderful life alongside you and your wonderful life. Welcome, I am thrilled to have you as a member of my community.
Click here to join my journey, so I can support you on yours!