Let’s talk about how to make big decisions. We all face big decisions sometimes. In motherhood, specifically, there are some doozies. Whether they’re related to health, family, career, parenting, or something else, they can weigh on us. They may consume our every waking thought. What’s more, they can keep us up at night. Have you been there?
Perhaps you have something, a decision, weighing on you right now.
Mothers tend to wear the weight of the world on their shoulders. A big part of this is keeping track of and managing all the things, and making decisions. For example, moms often decide everything from what to cook to whether to work an outside-the-home job or stay home with the kids. Yes, decision fatigue is a real thing. It can be downright exhausting. There are big decisions, plus lots of little decisions that add up to big weights.
I’m going to share some of my favorite strategies on how to make big decisions. It can really help to have an easy, step-by-step process to follow. The goal is to reduce the weight of decisions and motherhood to bring more quality time and joy!
Disclaimer: This process is a basic guideline. It is not meant for every situation or decision. While I am a psychologist, I am not acting as your psychologist, doctor, therapist, or counselor in writing this article. If you are making a big decision and need help, please seek the support of a professional.
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 1, Relax
This may be the most important step. It’s hard to have a clear mind for decision-making when we’re stressed. A calm mind is the foundation of thinking and making good decisions.
What can you do to relax and bring a calm mind to the decision-making process? Even a little more calm, and even temporarily, can help a lot. Try to do some activities that you find peaceful. For example, you may choose to take a long walk or anything relaxing to you.
If you find your mind is racing, here are some questions that can help:
- What are my thoughts about this situation and decision? Write them all down.
- Of those thoughts, which ones are leading to stress, worry, and a racing mind? Underline or highlight all that apply.
- Are they true thoughts?
- Really, are ALL of the underlined/highlighted thoughts 100% true?
- Are those thoughts helping the situation or the decision-making process?
- What is possible to be true instead?
- What thoughts do you choose to believe about the situation?
Getting all the thoughts out of mind and on paper can be very powerful. It can help us identify what we’re thinking versus what we truly believe. Stress can make us think thoughts we don’t really believe, and once we see this happening, we can change it.
The process may be challenging to work through alone. It may be helpful to have someone you trust to talk through it with you. If you need a little extra support, click here to see how we can work together.
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 2, Decide to Decide
Not deciding, or delaying a decision, IS a decision. It’s making the decision to do nothing (except maybe stress) at least temporarily. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but more often than not, it simply brings agony while putting off progress. You see, once we make that decision, we can act on it.
This helps in multiple ways.
- First, just making the decision tends to bring relief. It generally doesn’t feel good to have something big looming ahead, especially if the course is undecided.
- Second, it allows for productive thought instead of spinning in circles. With the decision, there can be a strategy and planning.
- Third, the actions that come from making the decision tend to be the opposite of resistance. They move things forward.
So, if you notice yourself stressing and spinning in circles, decide to decide.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself about when to make the decision:
- Am I ready to make the decision now? Why or why not?
- Do I have all the information and everything else I need to make the decision, or at least all I am going to get before needing to make it?
- If not, what else do I need, and how can I get it?
- Is there any reason I should wait?
- Do you like that reason, and is it a reason worthy of waiting?
Sometimes the answer is yes, and the best decision really is to wait.
If you’re not quite ready to decide, at least decide when you will be ready to reassess. Set a date. Then set the stress and worry aside until that date. If the stress and worry is not benefitting you or the situation, why do it?
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 3, Consider the Situation Logically
When we look at how to make big decisions, it generally comes down to two sides: the logical side and the emotional side. You may think I’m going to say the decision must be made logically. That is not the case. Emotions need to weigh in, too, sometimes (or most of the time). However, it can be really helpful to separate the logical thoughts from the emotional thoughts when considering.
Now, here are some questions to ask yourself about the logical thought process:
- What would be the “smart” decision to make? What makes the most sense?
- Why is that the “smart” decision? What are the reasons for the logical choice?
- Do you like those reasons?
- Do they really add up? This is where the math comes in.
- Is it you who thinks this choice makes the most sense, or someone else/the outside world?
- What do you really think is the logical choice?
Sometimes what we think is the logical choice is aligned with the people around us and society. However, sometimes we have opposite beliefs. That’s okay. It’s important to get clear on what you believe versus what others believe. Then consider who is affected by this decision. Is it all about you or are there other people impacted in a big way?
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 4, Consider the Situation Emotionally
Emotions matter. They are there for a reason, but that reason is not always clear. It’s important to both consider them and get to the root of them.
Sometimes our brains tell us that something is a really bad idea out of fear. It’s okay to be scared, that’s a normal feeling. Fear is part of the brain’s warning system to keep us safe. However, we need to recognize it and the purpose it serves. Also, it can go too far.
For example, we may really want to do something, but fear holds us back. The brain says “NO, don’t do that, it’s too risky” and we listen. But what if the brain really meant that we just need to be careful? Or that we should probably prepare first? Maybe the brain wasn’t really saying no was the best choice, but that there were things to consider first.
So, here are some questions to ask yourself about the logical thought process:
- What are the emotions I am feeling?
- What thoughts am I having that are leading to these feelings?
- Are the thoughts true?
- What could my brain be trying to tell me?
- Are these thoughts and emotions serving me, and do I want to keep them?
- What could I do to change what I am experiencing?
These questions can help determine what emotions are warning signs versus true beliefs. Our beliefs are more aligned with our true emotions, not just the ones that pop up under pressure. Once we’re firm on our true emotions and what we believe we can decide how much weight we want to put on the emotional side of making the decision.
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 5, Put It All Together
Not all decisions are created equal. Some are best decided more with the logical side. Others need more of the emotional side. Most decisions can be made with some combination of the two. For example, choosing a school may come down to cost and what feels like a good fit. You get to decide what is the best ratio for this decision.
These questions can help you bring it all together:
- What would I choose if it were all about the logical side?
- Why should this decision be made logically, and do I like those reasons?
- What would I choose if it were all about the emotional side?
- Why should this decision be made emotionally, and do I like those reasons?
- Where can the logical choice and the emotional choice come together?
When you weigh in all the factors, logical and emotional, is there a clear answer? Sometimes the decision can be made firmly at this point because there is a clear answer, and you are completely happy with it. Congratulations! Good for you for reaching this point and recognizing when you have all you need to move forward.
Other situations are more complicated. Maybe you still aren’t satisfied, or you just want to exhaust all possibilities. That’s okay, too. Yay you! Good for you for not settling when you believe there could be more.
It’s not about deciding by this point or not. Instead, it’s about recognizing what is best for you to do from here. Are you happy with an option at this point or is there something better ahead?
How to Make Big Decisions: Step 6, Get Creative
There could be a problem with the logical and emotional choices. Or you may just want to explore more possibilities. Either way is fine, as long as you’re okay with it. Not being satisfied with the obvious choices can lead to the best outcomes and innovations. Sometimes there is a third option (or fourth, fifth…). Other times there is a middle ground. What possibilities are there for you and your situation?
Here are some questions to ask yourself to come up with alternative solutions:
- In a perfect world, what would the answer look like?
- How can I get closer to that perfect world choice?
- Can the logical choice and the emotional choice compromise in some way to find a middle ground?
- Is there another choice entirely?
- Who or what could help me with this?
- What other resources are available to me?
- If I were to travel through time, what advice would my future-self give me?
Again, make sure to get as relaxed as possible for this process. It helps, I promise. Panic mode tends to turn off the creativity required to come up with the best ideas. Instead of creativity, panic mode waters the lawn with doom and gloom to shut down any possible good ideas before they bloom.
So, get relaxed, and then dive in. Put on your best problem-solver hat challenge-overcomer hat and set out on a mission to come up with something. Look at it as a challenge or a game instead of a problem. Have yourself a little brainstorming session. Be the expert in your own life. In reality, you know just what to do and decide to get where you need to be.
You made the decision. Now what?
Sometimes you can go back and choose something else. That doesn’t mean you should and fluttering back and forth is rarely the best option. Other times there is no going back.
No matter what happens, recognize what is in the past and where you do and do not have control. We can’t change the past. When we make decisions, we can guess, but there’s no way of knowing what the future will bring. We do the best we can with what we have available to use. Sometimes that’s not much. Also, we can’t possibly have control over everything.
There’s no benefit in beating ourselves up for not knowing or not being able to control certain things. Do the best you can. Then, accept the rest. Learn from it. Take the experience with you to use for the next big decision.
Looking for support? I’ve got your back. Click here to learn how we can work together.
This blog post relates to decisions (how to make big decisions). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “decision” (but not how to make big decisions) from other sites:
What Is 1 Decision You Can Make Today? by Lori Shoaf
https://www.dirttrailjunkies.org/inspiring-stories/what-is-1-decision-you-can-make-today
Impactful Decisions by Sharla Hallett
www.sharlahallett.com/impactful-decisions/
Trust God with Your Decision-Making by Lisa Granger
https://lisamarcelina.net/trust-god-with-your-decision-making/