Mom Guilt: The Secret to Getting Past It

Far too many mothers experience mom guilt, and it really decreases quality of life. In this article we will discuss what mom guilt is, the most important thing to know about it, and secret to overcoming it so you can thrive with your kids and family.

What is mom guilt?

This is the feeling of not being a “good enough” parent or not doing enough. It can affect working moms, stay-at-home moms, work-from-home moms, volunteering moms, and basically all types of moms. You have heard the narratives and have likely experienced more than one. Moms working full-time outside the home feel guilty about being away. Those who are with their kids as their full-time gig feel guilty about not financially contributing to the family. Those who work from home or work outside the home part-time feel stretched too thin and the guilt comes from both sides. That is, they feel guilty for not contributing “enough” time and energy to the kids/home and for not contributing “enough” to the career. Moms with all of those working arrangements feel guilt surrounding their self-perceived contributions to their kids and families.

Sad reality: mom guilt is common among mothers, regardless of how much time, effort, and quality of care and interaction they contribute to their children and families.

The most important thing to know about mom guilt

Perhaps the most important thing to remember about mom guilt is that it’s not an accurate way to measure how we’re doing as parents. The same can be said about any type of guilt. It can pop up regardless of how much a mother is contributing to her kids and family. Fantastic mothers experience mom guilt. Once you know that mom guilt lies, you can look at your life and assess the real situation.

If you’re reading an article like this, chances are you’re a great mom. If you want to be a good mom, you probably already are.

That brings us to a very important question about mom guilt: what makes a “good” mom?

We talked about mothers feeling as though they aren’t good enough, don’t contribute enough, or just plain aren’t enough. Okay, it is very natural for mothers to want to do and be enough for their kids, but what exactly is enough?

One way to look at it is that enough is the ability to provide children with the environment, resources, and support they need. Great, but what exactly do they need? There are the more practical needs, like air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat, and shelter to protect them from the elements. If you have those needs covered then congratulations, you’re already on the right track. Of course there’s more.

The Challenge of Change

Kids need to be age-appropriately protected from danger. This is very hands-on when they are babies and transitions to more of a teaching role for parents as they grow. Wrapped up into this category of safety is the feeling of safety, which involves fostering secure relationships. That’s a bit less black and white.

How do you know if you are building secure relationships with your kids? The good news is that it doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be perfect. Are you trying? Are you doing your best? What is your best? What if you’re concerned that your best isn’t good enough?

There it is again – that “enough” word.

Harsh truth: To be and do enough you must first get your needs met.

Far too many mothers pour all their time and energy and efforts into their kids in hopes that they can provide them with everything they need. The ironic reality is that mothers who sacrifice themselves for their kids end up providing less for their kids.

Not convinced? Let’s consider a common scenario. Mom sacrifices her relaxation activities, alone time, and even sleep so she can do more and be more for her kids. As a result, she is tired. She doesn’t have that time to recharge through hobbies and other outlets, so her stress level rises. Perhaps her productivity decreases. Her ability to think and function is compromised. She’s not feeling her best on top of the growing exhaustion and stress. Sooo…

How does she interact with her children?

Chances are those tired, stressed interactions are less than idea. They may include unintended, hurtful words. the tone may be harsh. Then comes the guilt.

Can you see the pattern? Mom guilt leads to self-sacrifice, which leads to unwanted actions and behaviors, which leads to more mom guilt, perpetuating the cycle of increased mom guilt.

The good news is that this cycle can be reversed. It is completely possible to foster positive interactions and optimize maternal wellbeing while providing children with all they need. Mom guilt can be reduced and replaced with confidence and joy in parenting. So, now the big question is how do we reverse the cycle and overcome mom guilt?

How To Overcome Mom Guilt and Thrive as a Parent

There are a few things to consider when addressing mom guilt and improving family dynamics. These simple shifts hold the power to make a huge difference.

It’s all about quality over quantity.

The idea that to me a great mom we need to do all the things all the time is a total myth. What’s more, it’s incredibly damaging. In reality, a few quality interactions or behaviors can go a long way, and even be more beneficial. Perhaps surprisingly, they can be simple, quick, and easy actions.

Consider the things that really matter to your child or children. What do they deeply care about? Is it important to them that you spend a little time together first thing in the morning or take part in a special activity once per week? Do they like to read together, play games, or for you to attend sports events or school performances?

Remember, this is about providing your child or children with what they need most. It’s not about doing what you feel you should do or satisfying the opinions of the judgmental people in your life.

If your child really doesn’t care if they have a parent watching their soccer games but really want to chat about school and life before bed, why stress about leaving work early enough to get to the field? Just make sure you’re home 30 minutes before bed so you can spend those important moments together. Your child may not care at all if they have a Pinterest worth birthday party with a ton of other kids as long as they get to celebrate with you and one particular kid. If that’s the case, skip the big party and do something fun with the two kids, or at least drop all the decoration and food stress.

The big theme here is that you don’t have to do all the things or get them all right. All you have to do is figure out the most important things and try your best. Forget the rest.

If you aren’t sure what’s most important, you can start by having a conversation with your child. What really matters to them, and why? This will help you to have a better understanding, and from there you can make decisions in line with the things that will make the most impact. Remember, this will change over time. It’s a good idea to have a continued, open dialogue.

What if I feel overwhelmed? I don’t have any time or energy for one more thing.

This is a concern I hear often from clients. I understand. There is a lot that goes into caring for a family. Sometimes it can be hard just to do the bare minimum and maintain some level of sanity. I understand, and I want you to know that providing for your children doesn’t have to add more to your plate. It doesn’t have to be extra stressful. Actually, it can relieve stress and take weight off our shoulders. There are some simple keys to dropping the mom guilt, improving maternal wellbeing, and making life better for your kids and family all at the same time.

How?? I’m glad you asked.

Double dip whenever possible.

Try to find simple tweaks throughout your day that can benefit you and your kids at the same time.

When your brain starts to tell you this won’t work, remember that there is a difference between short-term benefits and long-term benefits. Sometimes it’s best to put in a little more effort initially for a lot less effort down the road. This is all about resisting the present temptations for the future gains.

For example, your child may be in need of quality time with you during very inconvenient times. One of those times may be when you are preparing dinner. You have likely had a long day and are exhausted by the time you’re thinking about making dinner. Pausing to fulfill the needs of the little person may be the last thing you want to do in the moment. You would likely prefer to complete the task, uninterrupted, as quickly as possible.

Try to hold look past the initial cringe with this suggestion.

Include your child in preparing the meal. Plan and cook together. This is a double dip because you get the task of preparing dinner completed while spending quality time with the child in need of your attention.

I know what you’re thinking. Making dinner with your child will take three times as long and will possibly cost you more than three times the effort. Sure, the first time, that may be true. Yes, it could be a bit more stressful. However, it all depends on your thoughts of the experience. You control your thoughts, so you have the power to make it a great experience for yourself.

The Bigger Benefit

Then there’s the long-term benefit. This could become a “thing” you do together. It could be something you share, a way of bonding, and something you both look forward to. As your child learns and grows they will become more and more helpful. Imagine a year or two in the future when your child is a little older and a lot more skilled in the kitchen after lots of practice. The cooking is almost effortless. The two of you laugh and share deep thoughts over the process. They may even be able to make dinner on their own before too long!

If you are ever unsure what to do, ask yourself what your future self would prefer. As humans, we tend to make horrible decisions when we consider our present selves. Conversely, we tend to make fantastic decisions when we consider our future selves. It’s okay to choose short-term gratification, just make sure you are consciously considering how those decisions will impact your future.

Lead by example.

Though it may not be apparent all the time, kids look to their parents to learn how to live. These lessons sink in far better when they watch actions as opposed to listening to words. This means that they may not always do as you say or follow your recommendations. However, they are always watching you and may be more likely to follow your example. As you go through your day, try to consider how you would feel if your future adult children made the same decisions.

Are you chronically stressed? Are you constantly sacrificing yourself for your children? Do you put off caring for yourself so you can provide more for your family? Sure it is a great idea to care for your children. Yes there will be times when sacrificing yourself is the right decision for you. However, there are limits. You cannot possibly continually run yourself into the ground and still be able to perform at your best for yourself and your family. It’s just not possible for that to work long-term, and it leads to parenting burnout.

So, how are you doing? What’s behind the mom guilt?

I mean really, how are you doing? Are you hanging on by a thread? Are you losing it more often than you care to admit? If you visited your future adult child and saw them in your condition, how would you feel? Would you feel they are doing well, or would you think they could use more support? What about the decisions they are making? Would you want them to prioritize their wellbeing a little more?

These are good measures of how you’re doing. They are also great indicators of areas you may choose to change or improve. There’s one big theme I see most often with my clients. When this area is addressed, it makes all the difference in the world. Perhaps you can relate.

Stress and Mom Guilt

Most of my clients are stressed. This stress may start small, but if not addressed, it often increases until it spirals out of control. Stress can surface as a racing mind, increased forgetfulness, and loss of temper. It tends to impact every area of life, from sleep to parenting, other relationships, and overall quality of life. This stress cycle can reduced to peaceful days and restful nights relatively quickly. We’re talking six weeks to three months.

Do you want to know the best part about reducing the stress cycle? It makes your life as a parent much, much easier. Investing a little more time and effort into stress reduction has a huge medium-term and long-term payoff. It gets better.

Reducing parenting stress is a double dip. Actually, it’s a triple dip. Let’s spell it out.

Decreased maternal stress (or parenting stress) helps to reduce mom guilt and:

Improve health, wellness, and quality of life for parent, directly.
Calms kids and makes it easier and more enjoyable to parent.
Teaches kids how to live a more stress-free life that carries into adulthood.

Reduce stress and prioritize yourself.

Reducing stress and prioritizing yourself as a parent enables you to parent intentionally. It creates an environment for proactive parenting to replace that reactive chaos. It reverses the cycle of high stress, destructive interactions, and frustration all around. You guessed it, this also leads to quality time spent together, reduced effort for more benefit, and stronger, more positive relationships.

Let’s sum it up

If you made it this far reading an article about how to thrive as a parent you can pretty much bet you’re a fantastic mom. If that’s not reason enough to drop the mom guilt let’s recap the practical tips so you can stop running around like crazy for minimal benefit.

Guilt is not an accurate measure of parenting quality. We all feel like we have dropped the ball from time to time (or all the time). That doesn’t mean it’s true.
Set yourself up for success by making sure you are taken care of so you can think and function well. Prioritize your own sleep, reduce stress, and make sure your needs are met.
Talk to your children about what is most important to them and go from there. Stop wasting your time and energy on the stuff that doesn’t matter.
Double by meeting your needs and the needs of your children at the same time.
Triple dip by setting an example for your kids of the importance and benefits of prioritizing your own needs.
When that nagging “guilty” voice pops up remind yourself that it’s all about quality over quantity. You don’t have to constantly do it all. You just have to hit the most important stuff often enough.

Looking for support getting past mom guilt and moving into mom thriving? I’ve got your back. You can be thriving in parenting in a few simple steps. Click here to learn more.

This blog post relates to quality (quality over quantity as the key to getting past mom guilt). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “quality” (but not about how to get past mom guilt) from other sites:

Quality in Relationships by Sharla Hallett:

www.sharlahallett.com/quality-in-relationships/

Quality Time by Jessica Weaver:

http://rootedunrooted.com/blog/quality-time