What is parenting burnout?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or exhausted day in and day out, or constantly stressed? Does a break where you have some time set aside to do absolutely nothing seem like it would be the best dream come true? Those are signs of parenting burnout. Parents are subjected to so much pressure and continuous responsibility, especially now. Parents face less support from friends, family, childcare providers, and schools. Parenting burnout is when parents are overly stressed, tired, or in need of a break. They start to become physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted. Yes, mom brain is a real thing!
Parenting burnout is a challenge, that’s for sure. The best thing about challenges is that they are really opportunities in disguise.
Challenges present us with opportunities for growth and to make life better. When parents feel burned out, that’s really a nagging opportunity telling us to make changes. These changes are for the betterment of ourselves, our kids, the entire family, and life in general. Some of them may initially seem like they could be taking away from kids and family, which is why so many parents (especially mothers) can feel resistant. However, they really do make us better parents. There’s more on that dynamic explained later.
Parenting burnout causes:
Parenting burnout can have many causes. The can also be unique depending on the child and circumstances.
Lack of Support
Perhaps the most obvious cause of parenting burnout is lack of support. Solo parents and parents who live away from family and friends or otherwise don’t have a strong support system nearby are more prone. Sometimes adequate childcare, schooling, and activities without parent involvement is not a viable option (as many of us have experienced due to a pandemic). Even when there is support from co-parents, family, friends, schools, and childcare, sometimes it isn’t enough because it isn’t the right kind of support or because parenting is just a big job with a lot of responsibility. It may not be the direct help with caring for the kids that’s needed, rather, more emotional support, which can even be more important than the practical support.
Lack of Rejuvenation
There’s no doubt parents can handle a lot, but that doesn’t mean it can always be done without some form of rejuvenation. Doing too much parenting, care of others, and constantly being responsible for seemingly everything without rejuvenation is another cause of parenting burnout. This doesn’t mean we all need to take a vacation without kids or spend a few days at a spa (though if that’s your thing – go for it). The point here is that we all need some way to rejuvenate from the demands of parenting, no matter how amazingly strong we are, no matter how good we are at parenting and powering through, and no matter how dedicated we are to our kids.
Thoughts
Thoughts about parenting is a cause of parenting burnout that is often overlooked, but so, so important to consider. If we wake up thinking it is going to be a difficult, negative experience to get through the day with the kids (for whatever reason) then it probably will be. On the other hand, if we wake up excited to spend time with our kids, even though we know there will be challenges and hardships, then it is likely to be a far better experience. This translates into how much the actual events will take out of us.
The same screaming kid could have a huge, negative effect on our emotions and energy, or could have no effect, possibly even a positive effect, depending on the thoughts we use to process the situation. You may be wondering how a screaming kid could possibly have a positive effect on our emotions, but what if all parents were to choose to think “I’m so glad I’m here to guide my child through this emotion” instead of getting upset about the screaming?
Stress
The underlying theme in the causes of parenting burnout is stress. Parents can be stressed because they are under supported, stressed because they don’t get enough rejuvenation, and stressed about their thoughts related to their parenting situation. This means something needs to be done to address the cause of stress or manage the stress itself.
What to do about parenting burnout:
The best way to address parenting burnout is to address the causes.
Note: It’s to address the causes, not cause, because there are generally multiple.
Check your thoughts.
The first step in addressing parenting burnout is to identify the current thoughts and feelings about the situation. Are you thinking it’s so hard, it’s not fair that you’re doing so much alone, or there’s nothing you can do to make it better? Are you feeling sad, lonely, angry, or resentful? Take some time to feel those feelings. You don’t want to just suppress them, and you don’t want them to take over your life. Acknowledge them, let them do their thing for a little bit, and then send them on their way.
Replace those thoughts and feelings with new thoughts and feelings. If it’s to much of a stretch to straight to thoughts of ease, empowerment, and total confidence in yourself, start with thoughts possibility and wonder. “Maybe I could improve this situation” or “I wonder what I could do to improve this situation.” Similarly, if feelings of extreme happiness aren’t settling with you just yet, start with a feeling of gratitude that you have an opportunity to learn how to change your feelings.
Prioritize your needs, and the needs of your family.
Once you have that hope or a spark of belief you can start acting. Prioritize what you think would make the biggest differences for you, your kids, and your family. Do you all just need to get a little more sleep? Maybe there is too much on the schedule with all the responsibilities and activities. Sometimes meals or getting ready for the day are big pain points. The details of this step will depend on you and your family.
Make changes accordingly.
With your priorities, you have the information you need to make a plan to improve the situation. Figure out what changes you can make to satisfy those top priority needs. This may mean coming up with a bedtime routine and sticking to it, creating a meal schedule and shopping accordingly, of overhauling the calendar. If everyone is restlessly cooped up in the house too much, then spending an hour together outside could serve as a reset in the afternoon. Determine your pain points and needs and then plan accordingly.
Say “no” when that’s what is best for you and your family.
Get comfortable with saying “no” to all those things you feel like you should do, or other people want you to do. If they threaten your top priorities, and do not bring enough value to make up for that sacrifice, then they have no place in your life. This may mean cutting back the activities to one or two days per week. It may mean declining social invitations, or making sure to get home in time to stick to your schedule. You don’t have to justify your decisions to anyone outside those they involve. For example, you may decide with your partner to leave a party early so you and the kids can get enough sleep. If your neighbor’s cousin has a problem with it that’s their problem. You get to make those choices and you don’t have to explain them to anyone if you don’t want to.
Related: Easy Sleep Routine Changes to Fall Asleep and Stay Asleep
A note on activities: If you find your kids struggle with too many activities and it’s hard for you to get them there, it may be a good idea to cut back. Your kids enjoy them and you are rejuvenated with some time to yourself while they are occupied. In this case, schedule as many as you find ideal. There is no set right or wrong answer, just what works best for your family.
Know when support is needed and make it happen.
Know when to get more support. It’s important to do this before hitting the breaking point, or at least as soon as possible. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and chronically stressed or run down it may be time for that support. Absolutely try some things on your own (such as changing thoughts, prioritization, and planning) but know that it is completely fine if it’s just not enough.
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That brings us to another crucial point. Needing support is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Knowing when more support is needed is a sign of strength. Acting on that knowing and getting the support is doing what needs to be done to provide for the kids and the family.
Prioritize yourself for yourself (and everyone else).
The biggest parenting burnout myth: “I need to do all these things for my kids and family.”
Parents, especially mothers, tend to sacrifice themselves in attempt to provide more for their kids. It may be counterintuitive, but this is completely backwards. In general, the more we sacrifice ourselves, the less we can provide to our kids. We need to be doing well ourselves to be the best parents we can be. How are we possibly going to perform at the top of our parenting game if we are chronically depleted?
Maybe you can relate to this common example:
Perhaps mom is super tired, stressed, and hasn’t had adequate time to herself (to do something other than laundry/cooking/<insert family chore here> in as long as she can remember. She wakes up feeling pretty rough. Even so, she pulls herself together with a nice, big cup of coffee and manages a smile. She’s hardcore and she’s got this. The day drags on and she’s handling everything like the pro that she is. Then the kids get a little crazy. Perhaps they’re tired, emotional, it has been raining, or something is just poking at the peace. Something happens. A kid throws a tantrum, someone breaks a glass jar full of something messy/sticky, there are bodily fluids somewhere bodily fluids do not belong, something. You know what I mean, the straw lands on the poor, exhausted, camel’s back.
Related: The Motherhood Penalty Challenge
How does the mom with parenting burnout react? Maybe she yells, cries, or glances at the clock to see if it’s a socially acceptable time for wine. It doesn’t matter how strong that superhero mom is she can only do so much while running on empty.
Now, imagine the same mom is completely refreshed in both body and mind. How do you think her reactions may be different? She would probably see that same incident, the straw on the strong, rested camel’s back, as a parenting opportunity. She could remain calm, and gasp, even cheerful as she handles it.
A fully supported mom promotes healthy child development for generations.
A well-cared for mom could take massive child emotions, the bodily fluids everywhere, the mess, all of it. She could turn it into a positive experience. She may choose to teach her kids how to prevent messes and clean them up on their own for when they do occur. If someone is hurt, sick, or upset she could comfort them and build a more secure bond. These actions promote child development. They an early foundation to help kids grow into well-adjusted young adults who can pass that on to their kids.
This is big, friends, really big. Were talking years and generations of opportunity. Kids watch their parents far more then they listen. We can tell them what to do and what not to do until we are blue in the face. The harsh truth is that kids are far more likely to take good care of themselves, and pass that example on to their kids, if their parents set a positive example of prioritizing their own wellbeing.
How to shift from parenting burnout to thriving:
Now that you you know how to overcome the challenge it’s time to shift that to thriving!
Take it as an opportunity.
The most important way to move from parenting burnout to thriving is to look at parenting burnout as a sign that something needs to change and an opportunity to make things better. Assess the situation, make a plan, follow through, and adjust as needed.
Try to double dip whenever possible.
This means to try to accomplish two tasks with one action. For example, you can use preparing dinner as an opportunity to spend time with your children by making it a fun activity together. Alternatively, you can make dinner with headphones and listen to a great audio book to claim time for yourself and use it productively. These are just a couple examples, but it’s important to find options that work for you and your family.
Work with the brain, not against it.
If your brain keeps telling you that it just isn’t possible and it isn’t going to work, that’s completely normal. It’s the brain’s job to tell us about the possible challenges before they come up. This is so we can prepare for them. It doesn’t mean we need to give up, just that we need to find a way to overcome the obstacles. We need to tell our brains to settle when they take the doom and gloom a bit too far.
Instead of believing all the negative thoughts your brain throws your way, try asking it how you could possibly make it work. The brain loves to answer questions, so phrase the problems as questions to yourself. Remember, you and your brain are in the best position to come up with the solutions that work for you.
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What you need to know about parenting burnout and the opportunity to thrive:
- Parenting burnout is when parents are excessively stressed, tired, or in need of a break. They start to become physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted.
- This is caused by a lack of support, thoughts about parenting, and doing too much without enough rejuvenation.
- Parenting burnout can be prevented and addressed with additional support, changing thoughts, and a combination of prioritization and planning to endure adequate rejuvenation on a regular basis.
- Parents do not need to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the kids or family; they need to make sure their own needs are met to be their best for their kids and family.
- Turn parenting burnout into thriving as a parent by taking the opportunity to make changes. Double dip whenever possible.
- Instead of believing all the negative thoughts try asking your brain how you could possibly make the situation better.
This change discussed opportunity (turning parenting burnout into opportunity). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “opportunity” (but not parenting burnout) from other sites: