Warning: this one is going to get a little heated. It’s a serious topic and there are a lot of opinions, so part of it may seem polarizing, but if you stick with me, we’ll get somewhere together. There’s a rule I like to live by: never spend time or energy on a problem without searching for a solution. If it’s a problem big enough to justify attention, then it’s a problem worthy of solving. The motherhood penalty is a problem that is likely hurting you (possibly without your knowledge) or someone close to you. It’s a problem I find worthy of searching for a solution – and I have a plan.
Before we get to the plan, I want to be 100% transparent. I fully respect and support the career decisions made by all mothers, including those working outside the home, working from home, full-time and part-time workers, and mothers who raise humans as their only gig. At the same time, I want to be a resource and a teammate for all mothers, especially those who are not completely okay with their struggles in motherhood.
Okay, now let’s cover the background info – some of it is surprising!
What is the motherhood penalty?
Mothers make less money, are less likely to be promoted, and face greater challenges in the workplace in comparison to men (including fathers), and in comparison to women without kids. There’s a stereotype that mothers are less able to work effectively as men (again, including fathers) and women without children.
Harsh reality: it’s far more than the wage and opportunity gaps between mothers and their male (with and without children) and female (without children) counterparts.
I’m sure were all familiar with the pay gap between men and women in the workplace. Well, the motherhood penalty takes it a step farther in that mothers, on average, pay a wage penalty for each child.
Due to unique hardships related to motherhood, mothers are also more likely to leave the workforce, less likely to be promoted, and more likely to turn down opportunities that lead to promotions and increases in pay.
There are the more obvious workplace hardships related to the biological components of motherhood, including pregnancy, maternity leave, and breastfeeding. These phases often come with judgement and a lack of understanding and flexibility in the workplace leaving far too many mothers to choose between suffering through and quitting.
There’s also more of an expectation for mothers to “balance” parenting and career. This can mean that mothers get themselves and children ready in the morning (requiring them to wake up earlier), spend lunch breaks taking care of child/family responsibilities, take care of children in the evenings, make dinners and stay up late to do laundry, clean, or pack lunches, wake up with kids in the middle of the night, and use their vacation time to stay home with sick kids or when schools are closed.
How does this translate into the workplace and the motherhood penalty? Mothers are less likely to be able to come in early, stay late, or take part in working lunches. This is something that impacts mothers far more than fathers. Further, mothers, not fathers, face discrimination in the workplace.
Some of this is choice. Mothers and fathers may choose for mothers to sacrifice their careers and for fathers to push forward, but why? In many cases it’s because fathers are already making more money or have better career advancement opportunities.
There’s a wage and opportunity gap between men and women even before parenthood comes into play. Parents decide it’s more reasonable for the parent with the more lucrative career to focus on that career, and often it’s the father with the more lucrative career. This, too, is part of the motherhood penalty. Mothers, not fathers, face parental discrimination at work. It becomes a cycle that reinforces the problem.
The motherhood challenges in the workplace are sometimes so problematic that some mothers decide to take a break from their careers while their children are young. Then when they’re ready to return to the workplace, they face challenges related to being left behind while men, including father, and women without children continued to advance. This return to the workplace may come with hardships in adapting to changes, lost opportunities for experience and advancement, and discrimination.
If you’re thinking that this problem only impacts a certain type of mother in the workplace then you’re in for a big surprise.
Who does the motherhood penalty hurt?
There’s a belief that it’s only about mothers in the workplace, but that’s just not true. There’s so, so much more.
Harsh reality: the motherhood penalty is a hardship experienced by ALL mothers as a collective group.
It impacts mothers who reluctantly or halfheartedly gave up their spot in the workplace to stay home with their kids. Would they have made that exact same decision if the motherhood penalty didn’t exist? Would they have chosen to stay if they were provided more flexibility, understanding, and fair compensation?
Mothers who have absolutely no desire to work outside of motherhood and running the show at home are impacted by the divide it creates between different groups of mothers. There is less community and shared motherhood because of hard feelings around different beliefs and choices.
It impacts mothers who are torn between taking full advantage of the early years with babies at home and sacrificing their careers. Why do they have to choose, and why isn’t there a better solution to this issue? Hint, hint: there are ways to get around it and have both!
Mothers who work from home while caring for kids, even those with full-time help, are impacted. They are often met with a lack of understanding, judgement, and sometimes even hostility. There are unique challenges from both sides, parenting and working literally at the same time. If you have ever had to email while holding a kid, schedule calls around nap time, or step outside to unmute yourself, you know what I mean.
Beyond mothers, all women (even women without children), fathers, partners, children, and society pay the motherhood penalty. Mothers may carry the bulk of the burden, but the damage extends much farther. I’ll explain.
Women who do not have children, including women who decide not to have children and those who may in the future, pay the motherhood penalty. They are sometimes viewed as a liability just being a woman who may become a mother. Though the questions cannot be asked, many women feel they must explain and justify during interviews their relationship status and plans related to children before they even have children.
I have interviewed women who voluntarily, completely out of the blue, informed me that they have decided not to have children or shared their thorough childcare plans for children they plan to have years in the future. It makes me sad that so many women feel they must explain their ability to be an asset to a company just because they may or may not have children now or in the future. It makes me even more sad that their feelings are confirmed in wage and workplace opportunity gaps.
So, that explains women, but what about men and children? When moms struggle it impacts interactions, relationship dynamics, and the entire family. Moms struggle when they are held to unrealistic standards, left alone to do it all, feel unfulfilled, unhappy, or yearn for more. Anyone would under those conditions. That hurts their kids and families. With so many talented mothers held back or excluded from the workforce it negatively impacts society.
Related article – Help for Moms: The Personal Reason I Advocate
Here comes the most important part: we don’t have to fall victim to the motherhood penalty!
The Motherhood Penalty Challenge
I challenge you to find a way to be happy and satisfied with motherhood, despite the penalty.
We get to choose. As mothers, we can use motherhood to our advantage. We can have careers we want and enjoy our kids. No, the motherhood penalty not fair and it’s not right. I’m not at all justifying any of it. This is a problem and we need to address it. At the same time, we can turn this threat into an opportunity.
No, I don’t mean turn the actual hardships of less money, fewer promotions, and a lack of flexibility into an opportunity. Rather, I mean we can turn the larger picture threat into an opportunity. Every situation will be different and have a different solution depending on the wants and needs of each mother and family. The important part is to find a way to make it work, a way that benefits everyone involved.
Many mothers are willing to sacrifice their careers for their kids – but what if they didn’t have to? What would make it reasonable to have both?
Sometimes it’s a matter of having those hard conversations.
It’s amazing what conversations with spouses/partners/co-parents and employers can accomplish. For the sake of humanity, I must believe that most of them care and want to make things better. (There’s more on the alternative explanation below.) They may simply lack the understanding of the problem or knowledge of what to do.
Spouses, partners, and co-parents can have a conversation about responsibility distribution. Is mom struggling to do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and child… everything? The solution may be to reevaluate those responsibilities, get meals delivered, or hire more help.
Employers may be unaware of needs. Conversations about more flexibility to work different hours, work from home part (or all) of the time, fair compensation, promotion opportunities, or to offer an on-site daycare may make all the difference in the world. There are laws to protect the rights of mothers in the workplace. Human resources personnel can help when these rights are in question or violated.
Sometimes there needs to be a bigger change.
I get it, change can be scary and hard. It can also be well worth it. Whether the optimal change is to leave the career and stay home with the kids, find a new job, start a business, go to school, or something else, there are ways to make it easier. You can design the life of your dreams. You can make it happen. No, I’m not advising that anyone compromise financial security or jump into something risky but think things through and decide what is best. Even if it seems impossible, things can improve.
Motherhood comes with a penalty. It also comes with a lot of growth and opportunity. It’s a constant lesson and forces us to become better versions of ourselves. My kids have helped me to hone invaluable skills, like patience and resilience. They have shown me I am capable of more than I ever thought possible. Parenting has proven my strength, strength I didn’t even know I had. As a mother, I am better able to serve my clients and contribute to my career field. Motherhood has made me a greater asset.
You are a great asset, too. Being a mother doesn’t make you less capable, it makes you more capable and more valuable to the workforce. You deserve the opportunities. There are things you can do to improve your situation.
Not sure what you want or where to start to make your dream a reality? You’re in luck because the solution is my favorite part of any problem!
Take out a journal, open a fresh document on your computer, whip out the voice recorder on your phone, scribble on the back of something with a broken crayon, or just think to yourself.
The Motherhood Penalty Challenge Thought Prompts:
- How have you grown as a person from being a mother?
- What are your greatest talents and passions?
- How do these talents and passions relate to what you want to do?
- What is one challenge you are currently facing?
- How can you turn this challenge into an opportunity?
- Who or what can help you make things better?
- In a perfect world, what would things look like for you?
- What would need to change for you to get 90% of your perfect world?
- What is one step you could take today to move in the direction of your perfect world?
- Are you at all hesitant to make a change? If so, why?
This last part is really, really important. It’s common for mothers to feel hesitant about making changes or do things for themselves. The reality is that constant sacrifice for others hurts us and them. Taking care of ourselves allows us to care for others. What’s more, it shows our kids how to care for themselves. You can lead by example. Look at the bigger picture and decide what you need and want. Again, I challenge you to find a way to be happy and satisfied with motherhood, despite the penalty.
Please, keep in touch! Let me know how The Motherhood Penalty Challenge goes for you so I can cheer you on. I’m here to support you on your journey, too, if you need a little extra.
This blog post discussed a challenge (The Motherhood Penalty Challenge). Here are more blog posts related to the word “challenge” (but not about the motherhood penalty) from other sites:
Insomnia With Anxiety & How to Overcome the Challenge by Epigen Wellness Group
Challenging Times & 3 Ways to Endure the Struggle By Lindsey Gibson
Jar Full of Manna 31 Day Discipleship Challenge By Kelly Heath