Recent life events have prompted/inspired me to question the stages of grief. This is because my experience of grief hasn’t fully fit into those stages. At first, I didn’t get it. Surely it wasn’t grief I was experiencing. Well, perhaps it wasn’t. Spoiler alert: it was grief. There was just something missing in my case, something really, really big. My soul yearned for more. It was there and obvious, and it still is. So, I propose a new stage of grief.
We’ll get to the stages of grief, plus my new one. But first, let’s get personal. While you’re reading this keep in mind that the same ideas can apply to anyone going through rough times. My personal experience is simply an example. Grief can come from any loss or trauma. It doesn’t have to be the death of someone close or some big, horrendously traumatic event. The feelings are valid and there for a reason no matter what triggers them.
Now, on to the story!
I used to live in Ukraine… until I didn’t. It was quite sudden and not at all what was planned. There was an invasion. I evacuated. The war is still happening as I type these words. This last part, the ongoing part, is one reason for questioning the stages of grief. War is a lot to process, both during and after. What if we don’t have to stay in these grief stages while the events that triggered the initial grief are still coming? This new stage allows the processing of emotions, all the feels, and so, so much more.
The experience and examples written here are my own and how I view them at the moment. Others experiencing similar events may have very different experiences. That’s okay. It’s natural, and it’s good because we are all different people. I could write it all to process my emotions and then toss the words in the trash. However, I’m sharing in hopes that it will help someone else on their journey.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is credited with coming up with the five stages of grief. She later added two more to make seven stages of grief. I acknowledge and respect these stages. There’s also room for a new stage of grief, and I think it is very needed.
The stages of grief, including the new stage of grief, can all come and go. They don’t go in order and there’s no set timeline. We can hop from one to another at any moment, and we can visit some or all of them many times. Experiencing big emotions can be messy and healing at the same time.
Let’s explore the stages of grief, including the new stage of grief.
The Shock Stage
Most memorably, I felt this one as I watched the media reports of the initial invasion. There were explosions all over the country. I was emotionally overloaded and at least partially numb.
Our bodies and minds naturally protect us from experiencing too much all at once. It’s okay, even good, for this to happen. The body and mind are connected so there can be physical signs such as headache or feeling jittery. People tend to act differently, and that’s normal when experiencing big emotions.
The Denial Stage
This stage is all about disbelief. Acceptance certainly doesn’t belong here… or does it? Curveball: it’s possible to accept or acknowledge parts of reality while denying others.
When I was first told to pack a go-bag for possible evacuation, I sarcastically laughed it off. Okay (insert eye roll), people are being way over-cautious. In case you don’t know, a go-bag is what is packed in case of an emergency, something to grab on the way out the door. I didn’t pack one (at least not yet). Clearly, I had far more important things to do.
It came again after the invasion. The streets and buildings of my everyday life, my home, were covering every inch of international news. No, they were different images. Happy people going to work, or the market, filled my streets. This was a horrible dream or a movie. It wasn’t real.
The Anger Stage
This stage may be more obvious than some of the others. We have all experienced the feeling of anger, right? Well, when it comes to the stages of grief, it can be pretty interesting.
I held on to some anger for a bit. The idea that the actions of one person or a group of people could bring so much destruction and horror was something I found very worthy of anger. However, I couldn’t hold on to it forever. That would have been too destructive to me. So, I processed that emotion of anger, as I try to do every time it comes up with this experience or from any other emotional trigger.
The Bargaining Stage
Maybe we can go back home to Ukraine right now. It’s such a great place to live. I didn’t appreciate it enough. If this war would magically end right now, the destruction reversed, I would definitely take full advantage of all the opportunities. The people killed could come back to life and it will all be great.
Sounds silly, right? Well, it’s very normal to have these kinds of thoughts. Even when we’re thinking these thoughts or saying them out loud, we don’t have to fully believe them. For me, it was more of a “what if” kind of wish than thinking it was possible. Sometimes, however, it feels more realistic when we’re in the moment.
The Guilt Stage
Why am I here in the US while others are suffering and dying? Maybe I should be in a bomb shelter right now, or fighting, or something. Helplessness is a feeling that can be strong in this phase. What have I done to deserve all that I have? The people suffering on the other side of the world deserve good things just as much as I do, more than I do.
Guilt is not a very fun feeling. Also, our fortune doesn’t take away the fortune of others. Our suffering does not take away the suffering of others. It’s possible to feel two things at the same time, thankful for all we have and sad for those who are suffering.
The Depression Stage
This is different from the clinical diagnosis of depression, but clinical depression can come with grief. Depression as part of grief can look different for everyone. It could be a lot of sadness, even overwhelming sadness. Physical symptoms such as fatigue may show up. Or it may be less interest in doing things. There’s often a mix.
Think you may be experiencing depression? Help is available. Click here, call the national helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357), or reach out to a member of your healthcare team.
For me, I certainly felt sad, and still do. This is not a feeling I want to go away when I think about what has happened and is still happening. I did lose some interest in activities as well, which served me because it allowed me to focus on taking care of my more immediate needs. Each stage has a purpose.
The Acceptance Stage
Acceptance doesn’t mean we have healed. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Instead, this stage happens when we are able to recognize the experience as reality. There may be a new sense of hope for the future, or it could just be an acknowledgment that “normal” is different than it was before.
This stage came and went a few times for me, partially because the situation changed so many times. For a while, we didn’t know if we would be going back to Ukraine to live or not. I knew the war would not magically disappear, but at times I thought it was possible that things would deescalate, and we could return. Not knowing was hard. When it became clear we wouldn’t be returning I was able to step more into acceptance, but it was still a process.
Note: Even after getting to the acceptance stage it is normal to hop back into other stages. Healing is a process. It is not linear. The new stage of grief can be part of other stages, too.
The New Stage of Grief: The Meaning Stage
This is my favorite stage. It’s where the magic happens. Maybe that’s why I created it – because I needed something positive in all the darkness.
When I was moving through some of the stages of grief, especially guilt and anger, I was very motivated. There was a pull to take action. Of course, there were moments I just wanted to curl up and rest or process emotions (ahem, or suppress). However, sometimes the drive to do something meaningful has been much stronger than before the grief. This meaning stage is where I now spend most of my time.
The new stage of grief is all about using hardship as a motivation to find and pursue life purpose.
I like to live my life taking advantage of what I’m offered. As a believer in turning hardships into opportunities, I have been asking myself questions about this experience. How can this be turned or shifted? What could I possibly do to make things better?
Viktor Frankl explains in his book Man’s Search for Meaning the importance of meaning to survive extreme hardships. He talks about how he witnessed the people who had reason to live actually lived longer, and when that reason no longer existed, they died. This is consistent with longevity research, too. One of the things centenarians, or people who live to be 100 or more, have in common is that they have some kind of a life purpose. They all have meaning or reason to live.
The meaning of life, our purpose, can be anything significant to us as unique people. It doesn’t have to be something earth-shattering. I cannot create safety and security for all Ukrainians. Even so, I can still make a difference, starting right where I am. I can create a safe, secure home for my kids. They can find comfort in me just being present. That is important, too.
We can thrive through grief and hardship. Of course, it will look different from thriving in happy times, but we can do well even when things are really, really hard. The secret is in finding meaning, purpose, or that positive place to channel the energy.
Finding and Pursuing My Purpose in the New Stage of Grief
When I was feeling motivated by anger, guilt, sadness, injustices, and other tough stuff, I was wanting to do something big. My initial instinct was to volunteer to serve people in Ukraine, evacuating Ukraine, and with ties to Ukraine. However, I realized that was not ideal.
There were better options for my new stage of grief. Others have jumped in with meaningful things directly related to their grief. Examples of this are volunteering with organizations fighting abuse after experiencing abuse or starting a non-profit for a rare type of cancer after losing someone to that rare cancer. However, that wasn’t best for me. It’s a personal decision and everyone is different.
It’s okay to focus on other things. This can be part of the new stage of grief.
When I was deciding where to channel my energy in those earlier days, I realized something important. I was too emotionally connected to the Ukraine situation to make it my primary focus and be fully helpful. For some people, that’s not a problem because they separate the two or incorporate them beneficially. In my case, I wasn’t ready to draw that hard line as long as needed to jump all in. I separated my emotions and processing for an hour or so at a time when needed, for professional calls, for example. Sometimes I managed to incorporate my emotions and processing in a positive way when supporting my kids through their processing. However, that’s about as much as I wanted to do it. I wasn’t ready, and that’s okay.
There was another reason I wanted to direct my meaning to a different place. My skills and expertise are not best suited for what is needed for Ukraine. Yes, there are things I can do to help, and I do. There are also other people who are better suited and qualified for that work. It is fortunate that so many people from all over the world are motivated to support Ukraine.
Unfortunately, there are suffering people all over the world, including Americans. No, we’re not fighting a war to save our country and way of life after an invasion, but people still need support. I am better equipped to provide support in other ways.
We make the biggest and best impact when we’re in our zone of genius.
Let’s be realistic. My only fluent language is English even if I can kind of get by at a market in Ukraine. I’m a health psychologist specializing in maternal wellbeing, child development, and longevity. Even though there are plenty of mothers and children needing support in Ukraine, I am not a trauma specialist. They need trauma and PTSD support from someone who speaks their language and is fully equipped for what they’re going through. That’s not me.
The truth is I found my purpose years ago. I just needed to find my way back to that in this phase. My life work is in serving mothers so they can be who they’re meant to be in this world while guiding and supporting their children. It’s about setting the next generation up to be better and live better. I’m ready to take that work to the next level, thanks to my experience of the new stage of grief.
This will likely be very different for everyone. It’s okay if the meaning stage is seemingly small. For example, it could be as simple as smiling at a stranger. That stranger could turn a smile into small acts of kindness that add up to a big difference. We are not in this alone. Additionally, it can change over time. What we feel up to doing now does not equal our long-term potential. Months or years from now, those seeds planted in the meaning stage of grief could grow into a different purpose, something we can’t even imagine yes.
The new stage of grief makes something very clear: We can allow grief to equip us with what we need to serve our purpose.
I have learned so, so much from this experience. Every lesson will serve my clients and their children and families for generations to come. I can apply what I have learned to my work and be better at what I do than I ever have been before. Without this experience, I would not be able to do what I am doing now.
That is the new stage of grief. It is finding meaning in hardship and allowing it to be a motivation for action and change. Horrible things happen, and we can make something good come from them. For that I am thankful. At the same time, I can still have lots of other emotions about the realities of what is still happening. They can exist together.
Are you experiencing hardship or a challenging phase? Looking for some support finding or pursuing meaning? I’ve got your back! Your life purpose is important, and so are you.
Click here to learn more about how we can work together.
Looking to read more about my evacuation experience? Here are other posts I wrote during earlier stages:
Luck of an Evacuee: Story of an American Evacuee from Ukraine
5 Parenting Tips for Hard Times
This blog post relates to meaning (finding meaning as a new stage of grief). Here are some more blog posts related to the word “meaning” (but not meaning as a new stage of grief) from other sites:
The Resurrection and What it Means for Believers by Lisa Granger
Finding Meaning in Life … and Death by Dianne Vielhuber
The Meaning of the Middle: A Poem About Midlife by Amy Cobb